more than words

What is it about this timing thing? Tonight someone proposed to me. It wasn't the most absolute realest proposal ever, but I had a feeling if I would have said yes, it would have led to a marriage. The last 10 months that's all I wanted from him, but even after buying a ring, he couldn't bring himself to utter the words.

On my drive home I had a few Epiphanies -

1. Sometimes it seems like all my relationships are a really long game of suck and blow. I'm getting from the next person what I was giving to the last.

2. I truly believe that when I am making out with someone I am having the most intimate, revealing conversation about the love I am capable of sharing. Having realized that, I now believe it's time to give myself more credit - I'm more than just my tongue in someones mouth. Sheesh. Way to go Kyla. You finally figured that out, we all knew you'd come around. Don't get me wrong, making out IS intimate and beautiful and is the closest to love you can communicate, but that is not all you are made up of. You are all of those things just walking down a street with a smug look on your face (you know the one that you think makes you look like you don't care whose looking, while simultaneously giving yourself props for looking so hip hop - you crack me up)

3. What do I want? A provider and protector.

I was all set up to not like him. I thought he would be way late and leave me reading until God knows when his "errands" were done. But he was there. Before me. I ordered my coffee as he was sitting down. When I went to put my stuff down and take my jacket off he suggested we walk with our coffees (I love that - that's so me, but today I wore shoes that had already given me blisters from walking around with my friends right before that. I knew that was going to happen. We walked anyways) Before we got up to leave they called out my double vanilla latte was ready - He had a vanilla latte :) Matchers! He was sweet. He said family is really what it's about. We walked down the main street then into the neighborhoods. I like how he said, the neighborhoods. I also liked how I asked him where he wanted to go and he said, "wherever you want to go." Something about that was shocking. What was that? Attention? no. I think so. Am I totally fucked? Did he just say all the right things?

Do I even like him. Yes. Well. I did, right after the vanilla latte - and a little after I walked in and he was there. He also made a joke about not drinking - which I thought was pretty clever. And then told me not to finish my drink and he wouldn't finish his to make me feel better. I like that he's 30. There were times I felt like just a couple of kids making out. It felt great to be in the same place with someone. Like time wrapped around us like a blanket. He took me to the bluffs and looked at the stars with me.

Ya Ya, I'm all excited about it now...we made out, endorphins. But there is A LOT more to a relationship that these things. Right? YES. Why does it always seem like everything else doesn't matter. When really, it does. Right? YES. Go back to provider, protector. That's all you need to know. Can he and is he. Right now, I'm not so sure about the provider part, or even the protector part, if that includes stability. I almost erased that last part. But it's true. I've only hung out with the guy 1 night. Get your head on straight. It was fun. Give it 3 dates - but legitimate ones - without booze and making out. Ya hear!