We're separated. We might as well be over. Who would let someone go on a break to decide if they want someone, you in particular, in their life or not. If you have to be alone to decide it, you have to be alone period. But here I am, waiting. I don't quite know what for yet. I, of course, want this to be about personal growth...."I didn't know that I felt like this, until I experienced this, but now I know this, and ....I want to be with YOU." But how many times do we have to go through that before the person you are suppose to spend the rest of your life with knows that you're the person they want to spend the rest of their life with. We've already been here once. Hello indecision. But the second time, I mean, come on - it's just truth hiding behind scared. I still hesitate writing that, I suppose it's hope leaning over my shoulder. But - COME ON.
Shock does crazy things to people. In shock, if sudden enough, I could believe a whale just walked into a room and said, "what are you looking at?" as if he'd been there the whole time and I was the one out of place. If only I could have a few seconds of sanity to collect myself and realize, it's him and not me.
I want to be a better listener. I want my apartment to be warm right now. I'm going to have to wait for both. It only suddenly occurs to me when my apartment is then too hot and when I have heard something I wasn't listening to. He wishes I would have more experiences that he's had at this point in his life (meaning children and an ex marriage). I hear 'more children and exes'. It only suddenly occurs to me he might mean 'less free time'. But what do I know? I'm a single woman. I live in my own apartment. I have a cat I can leave for 3-5 days without serious damage or worry and he has a whole life that he has to keep up with that only half belongs to him when he can get it. All my wisdom of family and children and communication can't hold a light - or even a shadow - to the machine of an ex family. If only I were enough.
But I'm not. Not in the end. Not when it counts.
We're not broken up yet. We'll let someone else explain it to us on Tuesday when we go to our first counseling session.
All we have is ourselves in the end. We'll be two people in that room. Knowing what we know about ourselves and having someone else explain it to the person who knows us the best. I'd really like to meet him. The man I've been spending my nights with. The one who I've been wrestling through understanding and change. The one who I give up the hope of solitary attention and ask merely for second place, please not third after his ex. I've asked the sky longingly if I'm the only person who knows what it's like to wish nothing more than to be a close second (to his is child). The sky answers back, "what are you asking me for? Open your eyes and you'll see where you are."
But I just don't know.
I am at his front door, unlocking it with my key while he is making dinner. I am huddled under a fleece blanket sitting on the floor in my apartment typing under a television asking you what my future holds. I am alone. Well, I have my cat.