I've loved him so much, prepared to love him more. I'm comfortable there. I can be in a controlled vulnerable state. He doesn't know if he loves me as much, that's fine, I've always had to love myself enough and that is where I like it. I can show him how I like to be loved through loving him.
In some way, I was even prepared for him to break up with me. I can take care of myself. But what happens when he comes back and LOVES me. Loves all of me? The good and the bad? He wants to be there for my needs, even when I don't ask. He is sure of his love. I'm suddenly freaked the fuck out.
I know it's suppose to be a good thing. And god damn it, it is. But I can't help but have this feeling like it's not true. I'm doing everything I can not to test it. I'm old enough now to know that we can only be responsible for ourselves and I do like myself and maybe someone else could too. I don't have to go out of my way to show him that he "shouldn't" love me, or that he'll "change his mind" once he sees who I really am.....hmmmm...who I really am. Who am I? I'm this girl, sitting in her PJ's typing on my laptop while he does my dishes. yup.
Tonight I realized just how fucking attractive he is. Must be a side affect of feeling inadequate. He suddenly seems so unattainable.
I'm seeing him through the eyes of those other women he dated during our hiatus - I am disappearing. A hiccup I suppose in the fact that he considered other women and then decided on me. That little comparison game is throwing my game off. Who is better than me? (rhetorical question)
I used to be afraid when these feelings would surface, but now I know that that is just that - a feeling. I have not disappeared. I'm still here, I'm still just as sexy and what he is looking at he is liking - LOVING a lot. So what does that mean? Do I just keep doing what I do? Keep busily trying to fit in as many arts/crafts as I can at night while watching mindless TV shows on netflix while blogging at midnight - or rushing in and out of my apartment about 5 times on my way to the car in the morning, each time remembering something else I forgot to grab? How about taking a good half hour to get ready and get my hair did in the morning. Or that I don't wake up and make breakfast - it's one of the 5 things I do on my way out to my car.
Will he (can he) still love me when I'm not looking? That is where my work is. I can let go of that controlled vulnerability and just be vulnerable. Let go of those reins Kyla! Put them down!! Trust! Trust someone else. Trust your heart and believe in yourself for fucking once - for reals - that you are worthy of love - when you're not looking and when you're not creating it.