"You know, I don't know if I want to be with him anymore." I said that and wasn't sure if it was true. Well, I wasn't sure if I could handle the truth, yet. I said it twice, to 2 people and made myself say it because, honestly it came out of my heart, that tiny little muscle that I sometimes pretend doesn't know what it's talking about. I guess I just needed to practice hearing myself say it so I could in turn practice listening to myself. I love that man. I do. He was great when we were together and there were things that we were so good at. And I believed in us. I did. And after spending an awesome (care-free-physical-needs-met-kind-of) weekend together, last weekend - looking at our relationship months later, I could who we were then a whole lot clearer. Sure, there were things that we didn't connect on and ideas that we differed on and we managed our way through it when we were together but looking at all of those issues just seemed to be a whole lot louder when my heart was silent.
'You are so much better than the fantasy. Thanks again for the reality this weekend.'
He texted me a few days after our "weekend". To which I could not reply. He was always real to me (until our weekend of pretend). And then a few more days later, today, I was invited to have dinner next week. I thought 'Sure, why not. A free meal and we'll catch up - ' but, what would we talk about? We'd talk about our lives? We'd talk about each other? We'd talk about last weekend? Where is this going? And then my heart started talking to me again and said, "You know Kyla, that you will still be you and all the things that he couldn't work out the first time OR the second time will still be the same. It's not going to be any different. AND he had his chance. And a second chance. And now, you would be wasting the time that you could harbor a new relationship with someone new, who hasn't said (twice) "I don't think this will work. This is not what I want."
So I'm using the lessons from my ended relationship, to be a better listener. To listen to what he said and to say out loud what my heart says, so I can hear what my heart knows is right for me.
It's NOT easy. It's not. It would be so silly to think for one second that there isn't a whole other side of me that follows those thoughts around like a shadow saying, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe......
but that word is the belly button lint of life. Grown by things that at one time were good for my body but now are just the remnants of what has been left behind with no purpose, not to keep me warm, not protect my belly button - and once noticeable should be cleaned out. I want a life of YESES and NOS - I have no room for maybes. That's what my heart says.