Monday, February 27, 2012

back on track

I have organized everything I can get my hands on, in my apartment. I stopped myself when I started to organize my organization. Things are starting to fall back into place in my life - well, my home. I'm starting from base and letting the rest of everything else fall in line. I have a few odds and ends left : paint the walls, wash the ceiling (believe me - it needs it a bit), scrub the walls in the bathroom (shower spots), replace the light bulb outside my front door - maybe even scrub the exterior walls of my apartment (I doubt my landlord cares it looks grimy) and then eventually - maybe - plant some shit in the broke down, decrepit planter box that sits on the second level of the apartments, rotting away. It's time for some life to give purpose to that dead painted wood. This is the short remainder of things of my list of things to do to get my life back on track.

It seems never ending and I'm sure when I finish this list, new chores will manifest.

I stopped myself today at about 8:30. My next assignment was to work on this necklace for my mom's birthday. But before that, there was about 15 minutes of panic. What will I do when everything is done, when the room is silent? Organize my clothes? Clean under the bed? More distractions to stop myself from feeling that ache. And what is that ache? A purposeless life. I've been dealing with that a bit lately I suppose. Nephews, cats, friends, spontaneity = purpose, but I can't help but shake that feeling. So I put my hand over my heart and feel it beating - and know I'm here for a reason (I read that on a pinterest post and it helped).

Holy Geez Kyla, perk up! You're being ridiculous! Your house looks amazing and we'll get it painted and then you can focus on your jewelry and stationary and pillows and writing that fucking book finally.

Everyone I see lately on facebook seems to be on their second (or FOURTH) kid, or they're engaged. And I'm.....not. I'm organizing. My apartment. I saw my step mom's newest book today while I had stopped by to detail the interior of my car. It was called, Use your Brain to Change your Age, and though I'm only 29, it made me think about this stigma of age and where I'm suppose to be. Those walls I'm putting up around myself to fit. I realize I'm the only person putting myself there. I'm the only person feeling unfit in my groups of friends who are doing different things. I'm putting that on me. Twenty nine is that age that everyone wishes they could still be at. Oh, 29! I don't want to waste it. So, lets practice - something. Practice happiness and youth, my youngest day today.

Celebrating my bookshelf. It makes me happy because it looks pretty and holds a short vignette of my brain and passion. It also represents stability. I love it. I love my vacuum cleaner. I was so worried it was broken or I had done something to it, but after (a 5 second) inspection, I started it up and my apartment couldn't feel cleaner :) I love that feeling of vacuumed carpet. My storage is organized and ready for my pillow assembly line. Get that fabric cut out and thread color selected.

Celebrating possibility. Celebrating loving myself. Celebrating not being with someone who doesn't see how great I am. Celebrating my health. Celebrating my sunglass selection. I think I want cowboy boots. That would mix things up. Celebrating owning my car. Celebrating my artistic ability - to draw (DRAW MORE DRAW MORE) Celebrating my education and friends. Celebrating Mondays off and art. Celebrating my next chapter....paint on the walls and cozy nights at home! Celebrating kindness. And fluffly animals named Josie whose purpose is just to be. I get it.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

I got to keep on moving!

Lots of feelings happening today. I suppose the overall feeling is sadness. Just during the parts of the day I had to dwell. I keep getting stuck on us today. I kept getting stuck on his smile and our closeness. Last night I fell asleep next to him, only in my mind. But it's amazing how real my feelings were for him, in my mind, even when our toes actually touched in the night. I still have the place reserved, happiness. Walking down the street, sharing the day. I was stuck there today. There will never be answers to the questions that I "need" to know. Que the voice inside of me that repeats, "you are enough. you will - you will find someone that loves you" when everything else inside me, besides that voice, is say, "yesh, I...don't know. I don't know anymore. How many more times can you say that before you think, might just be you."

That is what that hook was today. It wasn't him, it was fear, disappointment and losing faith. I'm losing faith here people. What makes it worse is that I've already started "dating" someone else who I know is probably not the right person for me and our differences are of course under a magnifying glass because I'm still so raw about my soul right now. The best thing about it, however, is the opportunity to try things a little different. I mean, after the last serious heartbreak I learned never to live with someone without being engaged and close to marriage (because, a- marriage is a priority to me and b- in case you didn't know this, when you live with someone you ARE married without the committment and typically relationships need committment.) After learning AND applying that lesson with my most recent ex, I think I shaved a year and a half off a bad relationship, plus I didn't have to move again AND separate our things or share a home post break up. So what did I learn from this relationship? A few things stand out to me. Be a better listener. He was saying what he wanted and it wasn't matching up with what I wanted. Granted, it wasn't phrased like, "I don't want what you want" it was very romanticized politico talk - a lot of "ifs" where thrown down. If only this, or sure, if. The second part to that is that I have to be more involved with where I want to be and what I want for myself. When I hear the "ifs" instead of saying, oh this could work I need to say, "DOES this work for me?" I'm not quite sure how to integrate the second insight into my personal interactions yet, but I am putting it out there. I am open to learning.

The second part of my night was actually very pleasing - I worked out. I kicked my ass! I felt great. Ain't no one gonna break my stride, aint no one gonna hold me down, oh no - I got to keep on moving!!

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Today is a good day for change

I saw him today. Walking down the road, right toward the car I was in. His casual, unconfident stride matched his oversized peacoat. Blue on leash and his smile taped to his face. Who knew what it meant. I did not look him in the eye. I know I looked at his face. I couldn't escape it. I threw up my hand, a slight wave. I feel so numb about it and yet confident about my future. Good programming. But I came home and wanted to call him sooooo bad.

OH NO! I'm in it. I'm back in it. The fog, the haze, the hurt. The sadness, confusion, loss. Ouch ouch ouch!!! I just finished the Lord of the Rings triology tonight and realized - the ending sucked. I don't give a shit about the whole thing - just make the ending count. Make it worthy of the time I took to watch it. Make the ending a good one. And it wasn't.

My house is full of papers that I can't seem to throw away. Well, they won't throw themselves away. Today is a good day for change.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Underneath the Trying

I couldn't decide what blog to start writing in tonight. I had a "private" blog for awhile, a slow leak to a broken dam of a relationship that ended, if you could only imagine. It was doomed from the start despite it's romantic beginnings, edited through rose colored glasses, the only way love allows. But whatever. It's over. And I won't blog to myself anymore...that's bullshit. Life is for the living and I'm still 29 - fucker. SO - onwards and upwards. what's up?!?

Hello life. I don't have children and I, for whatever reason am going through a serious eye rolling phase about it. The very mention of "my child" triggers a reaction something close to a convulsion of eye rolling. I do my best to hold back, but it doesn't help. I end up bulging my eyes as wide as possible and looking in any direction an exit might be indicated. Same difference I suppose. But I try. I don't want to be like this. I want my own damn kids. I DON'T want to hear about others. Fuck me! How did I get to this point in my life. Seems like every damn person I know has em. And if they don't, they have someone. Someone that could potentially get them with child. I am surprised at how often I consider refining my social circle. I don't often opt out but lately my mind is a small pox of check boxes of people who only remind me of how far off the map I am and who I'd just as soon not spend the afternoon counting the teeth between their smiling parted lips. Perhaps thats why I love my cat so much. I can count the number of times I've seen her teeth on one hand - including the times I've tried to find them. She is as annoyed with me as I am with myself and I am content to see my reflection in the slits of black in her eyes and her smileless face.

I am working on a few things these days. Patience being one of them. I am succeeding. Truthfully. Change doesn't have to always feel good as long as the outcome is closer to the desired goal. Eventually a balance happens and the change becomes the routine. Right? This little bit of zeroes and ones where I write my sloppy human feelings is my time to paint the canvas with unfiltered emotions and freedom. This is the place where we all connect; you know how I feel underneath the trying. But don't misread me - I wouldn't try if I didn't truly long to understand myself in my full love.

So, we will go to Hubers not Valentines so she can bring her baby - who is as cute as a button. And I will not protest, via text, because in the long run, I will have a great time. Until then, my heart swims in the swamp that is .... singleness? No. Minority. The one without.

Pray I break the habit of disclaimers in this blog as I come off a relationship where trust was two sided mirror - and say, yes, I know this is a mere percentage of my well rounded, beautiful, fun, exciting life. But this is just what the fuck I want to write about tonight. Enjoy.