Monday, February 27, 2012

back on track

I have organized everything I can get my hands on, in my apartment. I stopped myself when I started to organize my organization. Things are starting to fall back into place in my life - well, my home. I'm starting from base and letting the rest of everything else fall in line. I have a few odds and ends left : paint the walls, wash the ceiling (believe me - it needs it a bit), scrub the walls in the bathroom (shower spots), replace the light bulb outside my front door - maybe even scrub the exterior walls of my apartment (I doubt my landlord cares it looks grimy) and then eventually - maybe - plant some shit in the broke down, decrepit planter box that sits on the second level of the apartments, rotting away. It's time for some life to give purpose to that dead painted wood. This is the short remainder of things of my list of things to do to get my life back on track.

It seems never ending and I'm sure when I finish this list, new chores will manifest.

I stopped myself today at about 8:30. My next assignment was to work on this necklace for my mom's birthday. But before that, there was about 15 minutes of panic. What will I do when everything is done, when the room is silent? Organize my clothes? Clean under the bed? More distractions to stop myself from feeling that ache. And what is that ache? A purposeless life. I've been dealing with that a bit lately I suppose. Nephews, cats, friends, spontaneity = purpose, but I can't help but shake that feeling. So I put my hand over my heart and feel it beating - and know I'm here for a reason (I read that on a pinterest post and it helped).

Holy Geez Kyla, perk up! You're being ridiculous! Your house looks amazing and we'll get it painted and then you can focus on your jewelry and stationary and pillows and writing that fucking book finally.

Everyone I see lately on facebook seems to be on their second (or FOURTH) kid, or they're engaged. And I'm.....not. I'm organizing. My apartment. I saw my step mom's newest book today while I had stopped by to detail the interior of my car. It was called, Use your Brain to Change your Age, and though I'm only 29, it made me think about this stigma of age and where I'm suppose to be. Those walls I'm putting up around myself to fit. I realize I'm the only person putting myself there. I'm the only person feeling unfit in my groups of friends who are doing different things. I'm putting that on me. Twenty nine is that age that everyone wishes they could still be at. Oh, 29! I don't want to waste it. So, lets practice - something. Practice happiness and youth, my youngest day today.

Celebrating my bookshelf. It makes me happy because it looks pretty and holds a short vignette of my brain and passion. It also represents stability. I love it. I love my vacuum cleaner. I was so worried it was broken or I had done something to it, but after (a 5 second) inspection, I started it up and my apartment couldn't feel cleaner :) I love that feeling of vacuumed carpet. My storage is organized and ready for my pillow assembly line. Get that fabric cut out and thread color selected.

Celebrating possibility. Celebrating loving myself. Celebrating not being with someone who doesn't see how great I am. Celebrating my health. Celebrating my sunglass selection. I think I want cowboy boots. That would mix things up. Celebrating owning my car. Celebrating my artistic ability - to draw (DRAW MORE DRAW MORE) Celebrating my education and friends. Celebrating Mondays off and art. Celebrating my next chapter....paint on the walls and cozy nights at home! Celebrating kindness. And fluffly animals named Josie whose purpose is just to be. I get it.

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