Underneath the Trying

I couldn't decide what blog to start writing in tonight. I had a "private" blog for awhile, a slow leak to a broken dam of a relationship that ended, if you could only imagine. It was doomed from the start despite it's romantic beginnings, edited through rose colored glasses, the only way love allows. But whatever. It's over. And I won't blog to myself anymore...that's bullshit. Life is for the living and I'm still 29 - fucker. SO - onwards and upwards. what's up?!?

Hello life. I don't have children and I, for whatever reason am going through a serious eye rolling phase about it. The very mention of "my child" triggers a reaction something close to a convulsion of eye rolling. I do my best to hold back, but it doesn't help. I end up bulging my eyes as wide as possible and looking in any direction an exit might be indicated. Same difference I suppose. But I try. I don't want to be like this. I want my own damn kids. I DON'T want to hear about others. Fuck me! How did I get to this point in my life. Seems like every damn person I know has em. And if they don't, they have someone. Someone that could potentially get them with child. I am surprised at how often I consider refining my social circle. I don't often opt out but lately my mind is a small pox of check boxes of people who only remind me of how far off the map I am and who I'd just as soon not spend the afternoon counting the teeth between their smiling parted lips. Perhaps thats why I love my cat so much. I can count the number of times I've seen her teeth on one hand - including the times I've tried to find them. She is as annoyed with me as I am with myself and I am content to see my reflection in the slits of black in her eyes and her smileless face.

I am working on a few things these days. Patience being one of them. I am succeeding. Truthfully. Change doesn't have to always feel good as long as the outcome is closer to the desired goal. Eventually a balance happens and the change becomes the routine. Right? This little bit of zeroes and ones where I write my sloppy human feelings is my time to paint the canvas with unfiltered emotions and freedom. This is the place where we all connect; you know how I feel underneath the trying. But don't misread me - I wouldn't try if I didn't truly long to understand myself in my full capacity.....to love.

So, we will go to Hubers not Valentines so she can bring her baby - who is as cute as a button. And I will not protest, via text, because in the long run, I will have a great time. Until then, my heart swims in the swamp that is .... singleness? No. Minority. The one without.

Pray I break the habit of disclaimers in this blog as I come off a relationship where trust was two sided mirror - and say, yes, I know this is a mere percentage of my well rounded, beautiful, fun, exciting life. But this is just what the fuck I want to write about tonight. Enjoy.