Hello life. I don't have children and I, for whatever reason am going through a serious eye rolling phase about it. The very mention of "my child" triggers a reaction something close to a convulsion of eye rolling. I do my best to hold back, but it doesn't help. I end up bulging my eyes as wide as possible and looking in any direction an exit might be indicated. Same difference I suppose. But I try. I don't want to be like this. I want my own damn kids. I DON'T want to hear about others. Fuck me! How did I get to this point in my life. Seems like every damn person I know has em. And if they don't, they have someone. Someone that could potentially get them with child. I am surprised at how often I consider refining my social circle. I don't often opt out but lately my mind is a small pox of check boxes of people who only remind me of how far off the map I am and who I'd just as soon not spend the afternoon counting the teeth between their smiling parted lips. Perhaps thats why I love my cat so much. I can count the number of times I've seen her teeth on one hand - including the times I've tried to find them. She is as annoyed with me as I am with myself and I am content to see my reflection in the slits of black in her eyes and her smileless face.
I am working on a few things these days. Patience being one of them. I am succeeding. Truthfully. Change doesn't have to always feel good as long as the outcome is closer to the desired goal. Eventually a balance happens and the change becomes the routine. Right? This little bit of zeroes and ones where I write my sloppy human feelings is my time to paint the canvas with unfiltered emotions and freedom. This is the place where we all connect; you know how I feel underneath the trying. But don't misread me - I wouldn't try if I didn't truly long to understand myself in my full capacity.....to love.
So, we will go to Hubers not Valentines so she can bring her baby - who is as cute as a button. And I will not protest, via text, because in the long run, I will have a great time. Until then, my heart swims in the swamp that is .... singleness? No. Minority. The one without.
Pray I break the habit of disclaimers in this blog as I come off a relationship where trust was two sided mirror - and say, yes, I know this is a mere percentage of my well rounded, beautiful, fun, exciting life. But this is just what the fuck I want to write about tonight. Enjoy.