You know what I hate the most about it...I feel nothing when I hug him. I think that is what makes the me saddest. I can't tell if my guard is up and I am physiologically frozen with emotion when we embrace, a protection reflex, or worse, apathy? The latter makes me sad to think that there could have been so much and then nothing. The first thought makes me sad because I can close my eyes and feel the warmth of him embrace and yet when I am holding him, much like the reality I find myself in, I cannot have him.
Gawd, there are so many other things I want to write about. Fear. Fear of the unknown. My process of learning how to find answers rather than get stuck in fear, get stuck behind the giant rock in front of me. I am so tired of people putting limitations on themselves, me included. Thank god for quality television programming like America's Next Top Model and The Voice and all those other competition shows, for showing me how many people get so close to their potential and yet still feel unworthy and under qualified. And for letting me see, within myself, and outside of their "reality" situations, that the best way to get through the fuss and fear is to have fun. And love. Fun and love.
I also wanted to give a shout out to gym member appreciation day's free 15 minute massages and fate. Thank you random woman for insisting I schedule myself for the last 15 minute massage, so that Dr. Wonder-hands could work my back like no body's business while speaking leaned-in close to my ear. Oh girrrllll......I need to get insurance! Order up!
............There is still a nugget of turmoil inside of me from running into him tonight, like crashing waves. So, for my imagery therapy this evening, I am focusing on that area where the water collides. I am holding it, without judgement and loving it. I am slowly changing the tousling ocean into something smaller. A washing machine. The water still churns....it slows down. I'm trying to get it to the spin cycle. Less slushing.
My music is loud and Josie is purring in my lap. In 8 minutes I'm heading to the Goodfoot. I suppose tonight is not a night for holding still. Round 2 - I'll see you on the dance floor.