Saturday, March 10, 2012

Sleep it off

I'm so angry. I'm so angry. I'm so angry and I don't know what to do with it.

I went and worked out today for about an hour. What am I suppose to do with the rest of my day? I drank about 4 beers and ate pizza.

People do weird things for weird reasons. I cried in the spin room today. I tried to let out some emotional aggression while pedaling my brains out. I cried because I miss him. I miss us. I miss my best friend. My partner in crime. My buddy. It's been replaced with walls of stone and brick and restraint and anger.

and you want to know why I can't see him? It's because it won't mean the same thing to him as it does to me. I want an "us". He wants a "for now". And yet I find myself doing the same thing to a perfectly wonderful person.

I think I am entering the portion of this depression known as, "lets sleep through this."

Tonight my friend Chris told me that he thought of me as someone "who is afraid to be alone".

Well, maybe I am. How much alone time does someone need? A week, a month a day? I suppose I used to think that I had too many friends to keep up with. Now, I have too many friends to track down and see if anyone wants to spend some alone time with me.

So why, mister Freud, would I be afraid to be alone? Because I'm an opportunist? Because I want to spend my life around other people? Because if I'm alone, there's no chance of meeting the father of my children which means I'll continue to be childless until ..... ?

This morning I was so angry that I literally wanted to drive over to my ex's house and drag him out and beat the shit out of him, even if it was in front of his child. I just wanted to feel the weight of my emotions have a physical impact on his body. I know that's not healthy - so I went to the gym. I'm not sure if that is the BEST therapy but it does give me an outlet other than beer and carbs. And boys.

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