Loving me

I don't know what it looks like to have him love me back.

I've loved him so much, prepared to love him more.  I'm comfortable there.  I can be in a controlled vulnerable state.  He doesn't know if he loves me as much, that's fine, I've always had to love myself enough and that is where I like it.  I can show him how I like to be loved through loving him.  

In some way, I was even prepared for him to break up with me.  I can take care of myself.  But what happens when he comes back and LOVES me.  Loves all of me?  The good and the bad?  He wants to be there for my needs, even when I don't ask.  He is sure of his love.  I'm suddenly freaked the fuck out.

I know it's suppose to be a good thing.  And god damn it, it is.  But I can't help but have this feeling like it's not true.  I'm doing everything I can not to test it.  I'm old enough now to know that we can only be responsible for ourselves and I do like myself and maybe someone else could too.  I don't have to go out of my way to show him that he "shouldn't" love me, or that he'll "change his mind" once he sees who I really am.....hmmmm...who I really am.  Who am I?  I'm this girl, sitting in her PJ's typing on my laptop while he does my dishes.  yup.

Tonight I realized just how fucking attractive he is.  Must be a side affect of feeling inadequate.  He suddenly seems so unattainable.  

I'm seeing him through the eyes of those other women he dated during our hiatus - I am disappearing.  A hiccup I suppose in the fact that he considered other women and then decided on me. That little comparison game is throwing my game off.  Who is better than me?  (rhetorical question)

I used to be afraid when these feelings would surface, but now I know that that is just that - a feeling.  I have not disappeared.  I'm still here, I'm still just as sexy and what he is looking at he is liking - LOVING a lot.  So what does that mean?  Do I just keep doing what I do?  Keep busily trying to fit in as many arts/crafts as I can at night while watching mindless TV shows on netflix while blogging at midnight - or rushing in and out of my apartment about 5 times on my way to the car in the morning, each time remembering something else I forgot to grab?  How about taking a good half hour to get ready and get my hair did in the morning.  Or that I don't wake up and make breakfast - it's one of the 5 things I do on my way out to my car.  

Will he (can he) still love me when I'm not looking?  That is where my work is.  I can let go of that controlled vulnerability and just be vulnerable.  Let go of those reins Kyla!  Put them down!!  Trust!  Trust someone else.  Trust your heart and believe in yourself for fucking once - for reals - that you are worthy of love - when you're not looking and when you're not creating it.  

I don't know

I don't know what's worse.  I think I'm over him?  or maybe I'm not?  Either way he's back.  Stirring up the pot as usual.  So much for my carefree sex filled weekend.

I didn't see it coming either.  I thought, no way.  So perhaps it's just because he's caving (temporarily).  Or maybe I've stirred the pot.  I honestly thought this would be a "free" weekend to be casual with someone I actually loved....Maybe I was the one who was being fooled.

How can I be scared that I don't feel anything any more?  Because if I admit that, then I have to be alone and go out into the unknown world of maybe I'll end up 42 and single with no kids.

Or maybe I'm just putting my guard up so I don't get my heart DRAGGED THROUGH HELL AND BACK because I had a feeling about someone.

I keep thinking about my sister saying "I could be married by now - if that's what I wanted" and I could have that with him.  And you know what, I think I would actually be happy.  When I think about our relationship we were great....but how FUCKING easy it was for him to pull the rug right out from under me not once but TWICE.  I'd have to be some kind of fucking sadist to run back with open arms.  Was I living in a dream the whole time?  Was it ever as I thought it was.  I hate him for making me question that.   Does he move as quickly as I have with black and white judgement and is this the opportunity to redeem myself for every quick and regrettable decision I've made?

I want to hide!  I want to call in sick from my life for a few days and not think about anything.  I keep forgetting I could do that - damn my "healthy" upbringing.  Face your fears, face your problems, find solutions, love yourself.  - Like a goddamn recording (thanks Mom).

So we'll get together tomorrow.  Where?  I don't know because I'm over thinking that as well.  And I'll listen.  And ask questions, good questions.  And I'll let a little bit of time wade through the bullshit and reveal what is really in store for me.

I can only know what I know and sometimes "I don't know" is good enough.

Wait for it.

use your words

"You know, I don't know if I want to be with him anymore."  I said that and wasn't sure if it was true.  Well, I wasn't sure if I could handle the truth, yet.  I said it twice, to 2 people and made myself say it because, honestly it came out of my heart, that tiny little muscle that I sometimes pretend doesn't know what it's talking about.  I guess I just needed to practice hearing myself say it so I could in turn practice listening to myself.  I love that man.  I do.  He was great when we were together and there were things that we were so good at.  And I believed in us.  I did.  And after spending an awesome (care-free-physical-needs-met-kind-of) weekend together, last weekend - looking at our relationship months later, I could who we were then a whole lot clearer.  Sure, there were things that we didn't connect on and ideas that we differed on and we managed our way through it when we were together but looking at all  of those issues just seemed to be a whole lot louder when my heart was silent.

'You are so much better than the fantasy.  Thanks again for the reality this weekend.'

He texted me a few days after our "weekend".  To which I could not reply.  He was always real to me  (until our weekend of pretend).  And then a few more days later, today, I was invited to have dinner next week.  I thought 'Sure, why not.  A free meal and we'll catch up - ' but, what would we talk about?  We'd talk about our lives?  We'd talk about each other?  We'd talk about last weekend?  Where is this going?  And then my heart started talking to me again and said, "You know Kyla, that you will still be you and all the things that he couldn't work out the first time OR the second time will still be the same.  It's not going to be any different.  AND he had his chance.  And a second chance.  And now, you would be wasting the time that you could harbor a new relationship with someone new, who hasn't said (twice) "I don't think this will work.  This is not what I want."

So I'm using the lessons from my ended relationship, to be a better listener. To listen to what he said and to say out loud what my heart says, so I can hear what my heart knows is right for me.

It's NOT easy.  It's not.  It would be so silly to think for one second that there isn't a whole other side of me that follows those thoughts around like a shadow saying, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe......
but that word is the belly button lint of life.  Grown by things that at one time were good for my body but now are just the remnants  of what has been left behind with no purpose, not to keep me warm, not protect my belly button - and once noticeable should be cleaned out.  I want a life of YESES and NOS - I have no room for maybes.  That's what my heart says.