I don't know

I don't know what's worse.  I think I'm over him?  or maybe I'm not?  Either way he's back.  Stirring up the pot as usual.  So much for my carefree sex filled weekend.

I didn't see it coming either.  I thought, no way.  So perhaps it's just because he's caving (temporarily).  Or maybe I've stirred the pot.  I honestly thought this would be a "free" weekend to be casual with someone I actually loved....Maybe I was the one who was being fooled.

How can I be scared that I don't feel anything any more?  Because if I admit that, then I have to be alone and go out into the unknown world of maybe I'll end up 42 and single with no kids.

Or maybe I'm just putting my guard up so I don't get my heart DRAGGED THROUGH HELL AND BACK because I had a feeling about someone.

I keep thinking about my sister saying "I could be married by now - if that's what I wanted" and I could have that with him.  And you know what, I think I would actually be happy.  When I think about our relationship we were great....but how FUCKING easy it was for him to pull the rug right out from under me not once but TWICE.  I'd have to be some kind of fucking sadist to run back with open arms.  Was I living in a dream the whole time?  Was it ever as I thought it was.  I hate him for making me question that.   Does he move as quickly as I have with black and white judgement and is this the opportunity to redeem myself for every quick and regrettable decision I've made?

I want to hide!  I want to call in sick from my life for a few days and not think about anything.  I keep forgetting I could do that - damn my "healthy" upbringing.  Face your fears, face your problems, find solutions, love yourself.  - Like a goddamn recording (thanks Mom).

So we'll get together tomorrow.  Where?  I don't know because I'm over thinking that as well.  And I'll listen.  And ask questions, good questions.  And I'll let a little bit of time wade through the bullshit and reveal what is really in store for me.

I can only know what I know and sometimes "I don't know" is good enough.

Wait for it.