Thursday, February 23, 2012

I got to keep on moving!

Lots of feelings happening today. I suppose the overall feeling is sadness. Just during the parts of the day I had to dwell. I keep getting stuck on us today. I kept getting stuck on his smile and our closeness. Last night I fell asleep next to him, only in my mind. But it's amazing how real my feelings were for him, in my mind, even when our toes actually touched in the night. I still have the place reserved, happiness. Walking down the street, sharing the day. I was stuck there today. There will never be answers to the questions that I "need" to know. Que the voice inside of me that repeats, "you are enough. you will - you will find someone that loves you" when everything else inside me, besides that voice, is say, "yesh, I...don't know. I don't know anymore. How many more times can you say that before you think, might just be you."

That is what that hook was today. It wasn't him, it was fear, disappointment and losing faith. I'm losing faith here people. What makes it worse is that I've already started "dating" someone else who I know is probably not the right person for me and our differences are of course under a magnifying glass because I'm still so raw about my soul right now. The best thing about it, however, is the opportunity to try things a little different. I mean, after the last serious heartbreak I learned never to live with someone without being engaged and close to marriage (because, a- marriage is a priority to me and b- in case you didn't know this, when you live with someone you ARE married without the committment and typically relationships need committment.) After learning AND applying that lesson with my most recent ex, I think I shaved a year and a half off a bad relationship, plus I didn't have to move again AND separate our things or share a home post break up. So what did I learn from this relationship? A few things stand out to me. Be a better listener. He was saying what he wanted and it wasn't matching up with what I wanted. Granted, it wasn't phrased like, "I don't want what you want" it was very romanticized politico talk - a lot of "ifs" where thrown down. If only this, or sure, if. The second part to that is that I have to be more involved with where I want to be and what I want for myself. When I hear the "ifs" instead of saying, oh this could work I need to say, "DOES this work for me?" I'm not quite sure how to integrate the second insight into my personal interactions yet, but I am putting it out there. I am open to learning.

The second part of my night was actually very pleasing - I worked out. I kicked my ass! I felt great. Ain't no one gonna break my stride, aint no one gonna hold me down, oh no - I got to keep on moving!!

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