Sunday, April 15, 2012

I'm hoo

I can't keep doing this to myself. My mind goes down this path of past relationships, innocently enough. And then I catch myself thinking about them and think, I wonder if they ever think about us? and then I quickly stop myself and think probably not, because they are now in happy healthy relationships and the only reason I'm thinking about this is because I'm not and so I have time to "think back" and reminisce...And then I compare my old relationships to my last relationship and think What did I do wrong?? It must be some inability to make someone happy, maybe I'm too demanding, maybe I'm too this or too that and a shame spiral swirls in my brain.
I just get so angry about it - well, a bit angry. It even happens when I'm giving myself accolades - I'm excited to think that I could possibly buy my own house within the next couple of years and then my mind says I bet your parents are so excited, they probably never thought you could do it by yourself - or would have to do it by yourself - or you thought you would do it by yourself. And then I think Wow! You're going to buy a house BY YOURSELF and how sad that is.....

Oh WAH Kyla! Honestly. You are so privileged in so many ways that you have to sit here and have a pity party for yourself about it.

My sister keeps telling me, I could be married if I wanted to be. Like it's my choice to be single. And to some degree it is, I'll give her that. I could live in Australia and be married - and without my family and unhappy. Or I could be married to a stranger and just "see how it goes" or I could be married to a man who doesn't want children and therefore wouldn't have children. So, in a way, yes, it is my "choice" to be single - because I want more than what those options can afford. And it is my "choice" to buy a house as a single woman. I mean, technically, I could save my money and keep renting until I got married - but who wants to rent until they're 108 years old? I won't let my tax filing status get in the way of what I want for my life right now.

And who cares about a few people you aren't compatible with compared to the tons of wonderful people in your life who love the shit out of you.

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